Who Earns the Right to Your Story?

In world that wants you to do your best to cover your flaws, do your best to be seen. It is not easy showing up to the world every day, especially when mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety tell you to stay home, nice and safe, in bed. There will come a time in most of your relationships where it will be necessary to open up about your mental illness. How and when and to whom, is really an individual choice. Brene' Brown has a good rule of thumb..."tell your story to those who have EARNED the right to hear your story."
There are people who are close to me that know my whole story from start to finish, and not only know my diagnosis but also know when to alert me to signs that I am heading for a depression or that I am having irrational anxiety. They are also kind in that they let me have my little idiosyncrasies like taking the seat with its back to the door, so I can see the exit. They also know the plan I have in case I ever feel suicidal again and who is in charge of what aspects of my life and care.
There is the second level of people who know parts of my story in a generic sense. They know I have domestic violence in my background. They also know I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have given them enough information so they can understand my background some but they don't know all the little details. Also, this group is not involved in my care plan if something were to happen. Could they come visit me if I got hospitalized? I would decide on a person to person basis.
The next level of people simply know I have different diagnoses. They are not privy to any of the details. This is usual people outside my main circle of friends and includes new acquaintances, the pharmacists or old friends that I have been out of touch with for a while. The conversation regarding my mental illness was glancing at best, usually said because there was something in common with what was shared with me. But nothing more. They have not entered into the level of trust to know my story
The last group...They don't know anything. This group includes my ex (believe or not, he feels that there was no violence in our relationship but he has his own mental health issues), people I have just met and anyone I "run into" or do business with. The place where I sell my cards as no need to know my story. We have a business not friendship relationship. The people I have just met haven't been around long enough to put "marbles in the marble jar," as Brene' Brown says in an analogy regarding trust in her "Anatomy of Trust" speech. People EARN the right to hear my story. I don't hand it out to them. There are a few reasons for that.
If I handed my story over to someone I just met, how do I know they are ready for that kind of story? What if they have their own story they are trying to deal with and mine was too much? What if they are careless with my story by handing it out to anyone who will listen like it was gossip and not my life? What if they simply do not want it? I have met these people. They don't want to others stories. They aren't interested. And, you know what, they don't have to be.
So how do you know who is ready to share your story? Ask yourself these questions:
Will they respect my privacy? Will they hold the story in confidence?
Will they still respect me? Honor my needs and boundaries regarding my story?
Are they reliable? Especially true for anyone who is in the inner circle to help with my emergency crisis plan.
Can they sit with me while I am in distress and not try to cover it up and dismiss it? This is a big one for me as when I was growing up, it was always cover it up so the neighbors won't know. I need someone who can sit with me in the dark and not judge me.
Finally, can they empathize, not sympathize with me? Do they understand? I don't want to be felt sorry for or pitied. I want understanding and patience.
What are your requirements for letting someone in on your story? Write a list if you need to so you know what you want from someone who you are willing to share your story with.

Breaking the Silence

One of the hardest things to do when it comes to domestic violence is breaking the silence that has been maintained regarding the abuse. There is a lot of shame, guilt, and fear associated with letting someone in on the secret. The issue with these feelings, especially shame and fear, is that they keep one stuck in the same bad situation and often strip away hope. Here is what I discovered, as a person who has experienced domestic violence, when I became brave enough to step forward.

1) Find a safe person to tell. This could be a close friend or family member or a therapist or a domestic violence counselor. They will say to you one thing that needs to be said but may be hard to believe, "It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. What they do/did to you is not okay." This is difficult to hear since most times the abuser has stripped away all self- esteem and faith in the self. It may need to said a hundred more times before it is believed. It may take a couple of years to even really believe and work through the blaming. Remember the abuser has ingrained into one that everything is always the fault of the victim, not the abuser.

2) Once in a while, one will discover, especially if it is a close friend or family member that they may have suspected for a while. The truth is they didn't know how or were afraid to approach the topic. It may be easy to be upset with them over this and to want to place some blame on them. They were doing the best they could just as you were doing the best you could. Remember this is not an easy topic to discuss and we are still learning to bring it the open. Every person's comfort level will be different. The important fact to remember is you have their support now.

3) Then, sometimes the complete opposite happens, because of being such a sneaky person, the abuser  abuser played the part so well, that no one will have guessed, especially if the victim has been taught to never reveal the inner secrets of the relationship. Some abusers are what I call, "sales people" and what they sell is the "perfect relationship" to the outside world. With therapists and counselors, it will be there job to slowly peel away at the layers of abuse. They will be patient and kind and most at the persons pace. With family and friends, there may be a period of shock and surprise. Most will believe you.

4) There may be a time when someone suspects that something is off and they may come and ask  directly what's going on. Fear and shame are going to put up a defensive block because even though no one likes it and nor deserves it, the abuser has built these protocols in just for this purpose. My advice...if the person is trustworthy then please break the silence. Be willing to face the fear and shame. The dark truth is that it is scary to admit that there is violence going on, however, compared to the fear of going home each day in fear of someone who is supposed to be a partner, I have learned is almost worse. It does not feel that way at first. But once the word is out, and their acceptance is real  and they want to help and support, there will be a wash of relief. The relief of finally being heard.

5) If the person reading this is the one that suspects or even knows that something is going on but isn't sure how to approach the loved one, you can call the National resource or a local resource to get some professional advice on how to do so. From a perspective of a person that has been through it, I found when it was just one person who approached me and talked to me, it was easier to take. I could let their kindness sink in. Keeping in mind that the abused person may not respond right away out of fear. That is okay. They now know that someone cares. For more information on making safety plans and or escape plans, please seek professional consult. Though there are a lot of reliable guides on the internet.

There are some National resources for Domestic Violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 . If you feel safe looking information up on the computer or have a computer safe from your abuser, you can go to their website, http://www.thehotline.org