1) Find a safe person to tell. This could be a close friend or family member or a therapist or a domestic violence counselor. They will say to you one thing that needs to be said but may be hard to believe, "It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. What they do/did to you is not okay." This is difficult to hear since most times the abuser has stripped away all self- esteem and faith in the self. It may need to said a hundred more times before it is believed. It may take a couple of years to even really believe and work through the blaming. Remember the abuser has ingrained into one that everything is always the fault of the victim, not the abuser.
2) Once in a while, one will discover, especially if it is a close friend or family member that they may have suspected for a while. The truth is they didn't know how or were afraid to approach the topic. It may be easy to be upset with them over this and to want to place some blame on them. They were doing the best they could just as you were doing the best you could. Remember this is not an easy topic to discuss and we are still learning to bring it the open. Every person's comfort level will be different. The important fact to remember is you have their support now.
3) Then, sometimes the complete opposite happens, because of being such a sneaky person, the abuser abuser played the part so well, that no one will have guessed, especially if the victim has been taught to never reveal the inner secrets of the relationship. Some abusers are what I call, "sales people" and what they sell is the "perfect relationship" to the outside world. With therapists and counselors, it will be there job to slowly peel away at the layers of abuse. They will be patient and kind and most at the persons pace. With family and friends, there may be a period of shock and surprise. Most will believe you.
4) There may be a time when someone suspects that something is off and they may come and ask directly what's going on. Fear and shame are going to put up a defensive block because even though no one likes it and nor deserves it, the abuser has built these protocols in just for this purpose. My advice...if the person is trustworthy then please break the silence. Be willing to face the fear and shame. The dark truth is that it is scary to admit that there is violence going on, however, compared to the fear of going home each day in fear of someone who is supposed to be a partner, I have learned is almost worse. It does not feel that way at first. But once the word is out, and their acceptance is real and they want to help and support, there will be a wash of relief. The relief of finally being heard.
5) If the person reading this is the one that suspects or even knows that something is going on but isn't sure how to approach the loved one, you can call the National resource or a local resource to get some professional advice on how to do so. From a perspective of a person that has been through it, I found when it was just one person who approached me and talked to me, it was easier to take. I could let their kindness sink in. Keeping in mind that the abused person may not respond right away out of fear. That is okay. They now know that someone cares. For more information on making safety plans and or escape plans, please seek professional consult. Though there are a lot of reliable guides on the internet.
There are some National resources for Domestic Violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 . If you feel safe looking information up on the computer or have a computer safe from your abuser, you can go to their website, http://www.thehotline.org
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